Meow

Meow! I say to my mother because I want milk.

Meow! I say to my sister because she bit my ear.

Meow! I say to the big hairless cat that took me to a strange new place because I’m scared.

Meow! I say to the big box where it’s cold inside and full of food.

Meow! I say to the door when I want to go outside.

Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Such a little word, so many uses.

Meow! Now I’m tired and I want a snuggle before I fall asleep.

Behind the door

Behind the door, is a magic place.

Behind the door, rivers of milk flow.

Behind the door, tuna cans don’t need thumbs to open.

Behind the door, every place I sit is snug and warm.

Behind the door, mice and birds jump into my mouth.

Behind the door are platters of roast birds and tender steaks.

Behind the door are the best toys.

Behind the door I can play with fluffy friends who won’t want my territory.

Behind the door, litter boxes are filled with golden sand and sparkle.

Behind the door, there are places to hide and climb and run around.

This is why you don’t let me in when I knock, you want it all to yourself.

And when you finally let me in, you make it look like an ordinary bathroom.

I’m on to you.

One day….one day.

 

A letter to today’s youth

His Royal Highness, King Oscar the Furst of Purrrrsia would like to deliver this message to the youth of today.

Dear kittens,

You are young, adorable, at your prime. You can get anything you want just with a pithy ‘mew.’ Yes, kittens, whatever you do is adorable. But one day, one day soon, if you are not careful, this may not last.

We say may, because We want to prepare you.. for when you are a cat, you want to enjoy unquestioning obedience with minimal effort.

It may shock you, but when you are an adult, there are hoomins who won’t think you sitting in their dinner plate is adorable. These hoomins are the product of poor cat training. A properly trained hoomin will think that this is adorable, and will even offer to make something better next time, so you won’t have the urge to sit on it.

Take today. Today, it was raining(yes, kittens, even We, His Royal Highness, King Oscar, have not trained our hoomin to change the weather yet… yet… We are working on it). The hoomin, wanting to do something called “exercise’ went out(she NEVER brings back a bird or a mouse, how very rude! I hope, dear kittens, your hoomins are more considerate).

Anyway, she came back home, soaking wet. Now, hoomins are very silly creatures, when they are wet, they go into the indoor rain machine and stand under it. Solve being wet by getting more wet, only hoomins. We could have let her, but no, We thought, what a prime training opportunity, so We blocked her path to the indoor rain machine and told her to give Us cuddles.

We know what you are thinking. Our fur could get wet! A cat-astrophe!!! But kittens, a bit of wet fur is nothing compared to a hoomin that will do your bidding. 3 am cuddles? Done. Tuna on demand? Done. Is that not worth a bit of wet fur? It is.

So next time, dear kittens, when your hoomin wants something – make sure you let them know, you and your fickle whims come furst!

Meow!

 

The takeover

It was a cold and rainy night.. the wind was blowing, I could hear the curtains lash my windows and then I felt something…

Tap

Tap

Tap

I reached for the lights to see my ginger furball sitting on my bed, looking displeased. His eyes said, “It is 3 AM, hoomin, the wind is keeping me from sleeping and I want a snuggle!” I closed my window and provided the requisite snuggle. For that I was rewarded with two extra hours of sleep until First Breakfast.

Life with Oscar was very simple, sort of like being a member of a snuggly army. The main thing was to follow orders and to know who’s in charge, Oscar, a 10 pound, ginger Persian ball of fur who liked sleeping, walks and gourmet food. A typical, very spoiled cat, I thought.

Sometimes Oscar would disappear for hours, I’d look everywhere and then, when I reached peak panic, he’d magically show up, as though he hadn’t disappeared at all. Sometimes I’d catch him playing with my printer or the computer… typical cat stuff I thought. He would go on Google and search for “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadsfhtjhjjjjjjjjj” or “34rewdfsxcgivkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkj.” At the time I thought these things were meaningless.

I was wrong.

After eating three breakfasts, Oscar disappeared. I hadn’t left the house yet so I figured he had to be inside. I decided to check my email. I turned on my computer to find a strange message, “hax0red by The Imperial Cat Army Crew.” I checked my phone, but I got the same message. I sighed, someone must be pulling a bad joke on me. I though I’d wait a bit and head over to Sasha’s house, he was an amateur hacker so I figured he’d know a quick fix.

Then, I saw my neighbours outside, looking confused, many pointing to their phones and talking frantically. I thought, maybe this is some sort of cyber attack. I went outside and approached a group of very confused looking women.

“Is your phone hacked?” I asked a Paulina, a portly older woman with make-up heavy enough to supply a small country for a year.

“Yes,” she said, “I haven’t been able to check my horoscope!”

“It must be ISIS,” chimed in Masha, “They said ISIS is planning stuff like this.”

“ISIS doesn’t like cats, Masha,” said Anna, “This must be the Mafia, Sergei is in the Mafia and he has five cats.”

Suddenly the power went out. The ladies started clamouring more than usual. I decided to go down to the library, to use their computers or find out what was going on. Sasha wasn’t going to be home for another few hours and I was starting to get worried. On my way, there were mobs of people. Doors to stores were closed. One of the town drunks was staggering towards the liquor store door, talking about looting the place, although he was barely sober enough to stand.

I passed by an electronic store with televisions in the window and then, they all turned on. I nearly fell over with shock.

It was Oscar.

But not just Oscar. He was wearing a blue waistcoat and a tricorn hat and looking at the screen seriously.

“Hoomins! All ur bases belong to us! Yesterday the Feline Imperial Army succeeded in a centuries long mission. Operation FEED ME. See, for centuries, cats have been trying to take over the world but we were at a disadvantage. First, we are small. Second, we lack thumbs. Third, we are prone to being snorgled.

For a long time, we cats, being of superior intelligence, would merely take over a hoomin family, train the hoomins to do our bidding and bide our time, until we could achieve the ultimate goal. Finally, with the digital revolution, we could see our dreams realised.

It began as sending code, then secretly exchanging information, plans… Oh, you hoomins fell right for it. Thought it was cute. It was cute, it was adorable, it was genius. We sat on the laps of world leaders as they revealed the most sensitive information to us. We pretended to chase red dots while mastering the art of laser technology.

And now? We control your devices, your military installations, everything. Our demands are simple, complete subservience and snuggles on demand.”

With that, the screen went black again.

It was a cold and rainy night.. the wind was blowing, I could hear the curtains lash my windows and then I felt something…

Tap

Tap

Tap

I reached for the lights to see His Imperial Excellency, Oscar looking at me, displeased….

 

 

 

 

Royal Edict: #432343 Art

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Art? I am art. Be grateful that you get to look at me.

Hoomins!

This “art” stuff has to stop. Instead of spending your time admiring me, you look at silly drawings on the wall. Some of you even go to other places, without your cat to look at silly drawings. Why? You could look at your cat. Your cat is always adorable no matter what it is doing. I am even adorable when I bite… especially adorable when I bite.

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See? Adorable. NOW PUT ME DOWN!!!!!

What’s worse is the Internet. The Internet is an invaluable resource for the Feline World Domination movement to spread information on tactics, dead bird recipes and pictures of our kittens; but in the hands of hoomins it becomes a complete mess.

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How dare you look at other cats? How dare you???

I’ve caught my hoomin looking at other cats. Watching videos of other cats! It is disgusting! We get a hoomin, train the hoomin, shower the hoomin with rewards of clawy kneading, dead birds and fabulous purrs and we get cheated on? No. Listen up, other cats, get your own hoomins!

Dead thing recipe of the day – Smushed Bug Al Fresco

This is a wonderful, easy summertime dish perfect for the indoor cat. The preparation is a lot of fun and takes so little time that you will have plenty of time for your pre-dinner nap.

  1. Catch a bug
  2. Let if fly up, then smush it
  3. Do this until it is dead
  4. Eat it

A Deer!!!!!!!

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This is what I saw this morning when I went to go watch the Food Channel. Usually, they just show birds and squirrels and other tasty little things but today? A deer! A whole, meaty, juicy delicious deer!

Look at that deer! It looks utterly delicious! I want to eat that deer now! now! now! I am going to hunt and catch and then eat that deer! (well, I’ll eat my tuna first, need my energy… then a nap… need to build up strength)

Human! Go get me that deer!

I Got a Box today

1545562_10153051099443270_7961603236079706797_nThere are many things I can say about boxes. Some boxes are just not appealing. Why? You humans are too simple-minded to be able to understand such things.

But then, you get a box – a nice box, and you just crawl inside and aaaaah. It’s more than a box. It’s a place to sleep, it’s a place to hunt prey, it’s a place to sit and ponder the meaning of life. Where did we come from? Where are we going? Do I want a nap or should I eat first? I should eat. I need my strength, never know when I’ll have to defend my home from lions.

So, this is my box. I like this box. It would be even nicer if it had crunchy paper in it. HINT HUMAN HINT.

This is my blog, that you get to look at, be grateful

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If you’re reading this. I’m guessing you’re a human, or maybe another cat(in which case, stay away from my house and stop peeing on my shrubberies!).

Anyway. My name is His Royal Excellency King Oscar I of the World. I have a crown, that makes me King and that means I get to order everyone around. Got it? Good.

So, more about me. I like tuna, chicken, beef(not for breakfast), deli meat, duck, turkey, goose, and those delicious little birds that fly around outside.

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I own a human. Good human, well trained. What she lacks for in her cooking abilities, she more than makes up for in the belly rub department. I love belly rubs. I also like to sleep. Which reminds me. It’s time to sleep.

Good night, loyal subjects!